I rode a far more shrewd and deadly beast than an elephant

First off, it's important to know that I'm alright, and second off, it's important that someone prevents my mother from reading this. The reason that I'm beginning this with that, that being I am in fact alright, is because according to the Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy stress and anxiety is the primary cause of death for 90 percent of Sapient life in the universe, and just as Douglas Adams warns the reader that the thermonuclear warheads launched at the spaceship Heart of Gold containing both the infinite improbability drive and Ford Prefect, Zaphod Beeblebrox, Arthur Dent, Trilcia McMillan and of course Marvin the Paranoid Android, from the ruins of Ancient Magrathea by a telephone answering service, will result in nothing more then a bruised upper arm and the accidental death of a very surprised whale, so too I begin by warning the reader that nothing has happened to me aside from a slight cut above my right eye, a bruise on my right knee, and a short-lived headache. The reason that it's important to prevent my mother from reading this is because, once again, much like Arthur Dent I never listened to some of the things she told me.

I never rode an elephant; instead I rode a much trickier beast. A deadly scooter. We decided it would be fun to scooter around the area of Pai, as there is almost no traffic, and extremely beautiful mountain passes and scenery, and so terrified as I might have been, we rented a scooter and helmets and set off down the road. The first 8 kms were fine, although I did provide much amusement to the entire town of Pai as I breaked and stopped and speeded and stopped and flung my legs out and wobbled and prayed to god and tried again to make the damn scooter go straight at a reasonable speed. Despite this most humbling of beginnings, I felt within 20 minutes I had the beast under control. Oh, the foolish vain fool that I am. Nothing is under my control; the universe scoffs at any who believe so.

The previous year in Ethiopia was the last time I rode a bicycle, which is not a scooter, as it has no engine, and that time I provided intense amusement to my girfriend at the time (that she-devil) by being extremely bad, nervous and sweaty. When I finally got that bicycle going I peddled like there was no tomorrow down an Ethiopian highway and felt high, as I realised it was working, I wasn't falling off, I was going straight, and then I felt confused as I realised none of my team were anywhere near me.

I returned to my starting point to find that they were all waiting by where we had rented the bikes, and I had sped off in the wrong direction. Most embarassing. We then bicycled, me poorly, to the castle of Haile Sallasie, which looked a lot like a townhouse, but showed magnificent views of Bahar Dar.

I constantly lagged behind, and was an embarrassment to all concerned, and a big part of that reason was because I couldn't figure out how to down gear my mountain bike, and no one would take five minutes out to explain to me how it worked, simply citing: "Oh, it's easy." Thanks for nothing. When I discussed this with Shannon, he said: "Well, it sounds like what you were trying to do was right. It is easy. I bet the gears were broken, and so it wouldn't down gear properlly. Hey you want to rent bikes with gears or without?"

The time before that that I engaged in the world of two wheeled transport, I was in the Drakensbergh at age 12, hit a rock and still show a scar on my hand from where it connected with the ground as I shot over it, grazing my entire body.

On my gearless scooter, however, I soon became fearless, as we scooted through the beautiful scenery, wind in my hair, up hills, around corners, down hills, around more corners through a 'mountain village' which is far more ramshackle and far less romantic than it sounds, to a waterfall, which doesn't neccessarily beat a lot of waterfalls in the Drakensbergh in South Africa. We arbed around there for a bit and returned home, I now a fully confident Scooter rider, wondering why the hell my mom was so against anyone ever getting on one of these beasts.

Then I accidentally drove off a road into a deep ditch, which was fortunate because the bike couldn't crush me. My head bounced against the dirt bank, but fortunately I was wearing a helmet and escaped unscathed. Well relatively.

A slipper had come off and I was half lying in a river with an upside down scooter next to me. Suddenly Thai people everywhere. Moments later Shannon appears. About six of us grab the bike and turn it the right way up and we drag it on to the road. It seems unbroken and still starts. I clamber back down and search for my flip flop which I find. Shannon checks me and notes no injuries except for a think cut above my eye. We work out it was from my sunglasses being rapidly pushed up into my face. Small cut on foot. Sore knee. Otherwise alright.

The most annoying thing was that I was slowing to a stop, and I should have just turned the goddamn controller to the left away from the drop, but instead I slowed and so I didn't even voom off the edge of the road majestically flying through the sky towards my doom, I sort of went putt, putt, putt, almost stopped, ooooooohhhhh noooooooo..... slooow drop, tumble, bang.

I only realised I should have taken some photos of my upside down bike after I got back on the horse and drove it back to town. I don't know if I'll ever ride one again, but I think it's important that I rode another 4km's after my near death experience if only to prove a point to somebody, although God knows who that somebody is. Maybe it was myself.

Despite all of that I really enjoyed my scooter ride. I even enjoyed my accident. It's funny how the things that scare us are the things that are often most enjoyable. And that the things we hold on to are often the cause of one's greatest pain and sadness.

Embrace the fear, and by doing so, release the clamps of the past, I suppose. Or maybe that's naieve. Who knows? Who cares? I'm alive and that's the important bit. Oh, that and always wear a helmet. Crap. Thank god for that helmet. Bounce. Oof. Yeah. Someone prevent my mother from reading this.